It starts tomorrow. The supervision drops. No longer will the protection of a stable adult be present when my children are in the presence of their father. No longer do I have the peace of knowing that someone "normal" will be monitoring and attending to their safety. Starting tomorrow, I enter the world of the unknown and hope for the best.
I have done what I can and have hopefully prepared them with the ability to identify poor behaviors and choices. I hope that I have shown them compassion and encouraged a safe environment for them to tell me if things were to go amiss. I must let them walk out of my control and hope for the best.
I always imagined letting go to be when your child starts each new level of school. Will they be accepted, will they fit in, will they be happy. I never expected letting go to be when I sent my children with their father and my main concern was if they would be safe.
Yet tomorrow, I am letting go and hoping for the best.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Saving His Reputation
Right or wrong. Do I protect his reputation? Do I pretend that what he did was insignificant and that today is a new day and he is a different man? Do I not tell people of the horror filled life that I lived for 4+ years? Do I portray him as just someone who I didn't see eye to eye with and now we are not together? Does he deserve that good of treatment? Does he deserve that at all?
Many people know we are in a custody battle and that we are no longer together. Some people just think that we are opposites. Some people think that he may have gone too far, but who doesn't at times? Other people think that I have made events up about what happened. I go around, not saying anything to anyone beyond my inner walls, protecting his reputation. Why?
The answer is clear. My children. I don't want my children growing up having everyone thinking their father is a monster. (they will come to that realization themself). I can't have people say bad things about their father around my children. I need to have them grow up in a world where they don't have to worry about these things. But am I really protecting them? What am I really protecting them from?
Their father's supervised visits are about to end. This man, who once leaned in front of his 4 year old son, and yelled in his face that he was "nothing but a brat." This supposed dad, who stood in front of the table where the car seat was sitting, with the one month old baby, yelling obsenities and derogatory words at the top of his lungs trying to get the baby to stop crying. This is the man that picked up his four year old son and threw him on to the bed and left red markings on his own son's chest. Am I really protecting them? Again, what am I doing?
I have kept a lot of the information from the world. I have kept them from knowing the truths about what he was, what he is. Am I knowingly putting my children at risk for abuse? What could I do? I could blast all of the information far and wide to the ends of the earth, letting everyone know what a monster he is. But would that do any good?
He has so many people fooled. He has them thinking that he is the model dad (of course he doesn't tell those people that he hasn't paid a drop of financial support for his kids in the last year). He has them thinking that he would never harm a hair on the heads of these children. So would they believe me anyway? Would they believe me if I told them of the dangers of him being with them alone for any lengths of time?
I don't think they would. I don't think they would think twice about it. Because no one wants to think that some one close to them is capable of harming a child or being an abusive partner. It has to be the abused partner that is making it all up for their gain. Who would want to think that their son, boyfriend, nephew is an abusive person, or worse, parent.
the funny thing is... they have already seen it. They have already seen him use the children against them. They have already seen him unleash his verbal anger on them. They have already been subjected to his silent treatment and avoidance. But they get to leave him alone for a few weeks for it to pass by. They can stay away from him and pretend that it didn't happen or that it is just a phase that will pass. They don't want to believe.
So why push it. I can't protect my kids from being physically or verbally hurt by their father. If he is going to do it, I have done what I can, but I can't stop it from happening. What I can do is support the relationship that they do have with him, and then pick up the pieces when the relationship falls apart. I can be there to help them through the abuse, help them through the false promises, and the emotional neglect.
There is no good that will come to my children by me voicing all of the abuse he has put us through. No one wants to hear it anyway. There is however good that can come from selective silence. My children can hopefully grow up in a protective and supportive environment where they think their dad is a model dad and that he loves them. When they realize the truth, I will help them through it.
Many people know we are in a custody battle and that we are no longer together. Some people just think that we are opposites. Some people think that he may have gone too far, but who doesn't at times? Other people think that I have made events up about what happened. I go around, not saying anything to anyone beyond my inner walls, protecting his reputation. Why?
The answer is clear. My children. I don't want my children growing up having everyone thinking their father is a monster. (they will come to that realization themself). I can't have people say bad things about their father around my children. I need to have them grow up in a world where they don't have to worry about these things. But am I really protecting them? What am I really protecting them from?
Their father's supervised visits are about to end. This man, who once leaned in front of his 4 year old son, and yelled in his face that he was "nothing but a brat." This supposed dad, who stood in front of the table where the car seat was sitting, with the one month old baby, yelling obsenities and derogatory words at the top of his lungs trying to get the baby to stop crying. This is the man that picked up his four year old son and threw him on to the bed and left red markings on his own son's chest. Am I really protecting them? Again, what am I doing?
I have kept a lot of the information from the world. I have kept them from knowing the truths about what he was, what he is. Am I knowingly putting my children at risk for abuse? What could I do? I could blast all of the information far and wide to the ends of the earth, letting everyone know what a monster he is. But would that do any good?
He has so many people fooled. He has them thinking that he is the model dad (of course he doesn't tell those people that he hasn't paid a drop of financial support for his kids in the last year). He has them thinking that he would never harm a hair on the heads of these children. So would they believe me anyway? Would they believe me if I told them of the dangers of him being with them alone for any lengths of time?
I don't think they would. I don't think they would think twice about it. Because no one wants to think that some one close to them is capable of harming a child or being an abusive partner. It has to be the abused partner that is making it all up for their gain. Who would want to think that their son, boyfriend, nephew is an abusive person, or worse, parent.
the funny thing is... they have already seen it. They have already seen him use the children against them. They have already seen him unleash his verbal anger on them. They have already been subjected to his silent treatment and avoidance. But they get to leave him alone for a few weeks for it to pass by. They can stay away from him and pretend that it didn't happen or that it is just a phase that will pass. They don't want to believe.
So why push it. I can't protect my kids from being physically or verbally hurt by their father. If he is going to do it, I have done what I can, but I can't stop it from happening. What I can do is support the relationship that they do have with him, and then pick up the pieces when the relationship falls apart. I can be there to help them through the abuse, help them through the false promises, and the emotional neglect.
There is no good that will come to my children by me voicing all of the abuse he has put us through. No one wants to hear it anyway. There is however good that can come from selective silence. My children can hopefully grow up in a protective and supportive environment where they think their dad is a model dad and that he loves them. When they realize the truth, I will help them through it.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
The Day I Stopped Loving Him
At the beginning of our relationship he swept me off of my feet. I had not known love and I was sure that this was it. Life was perfect.
I think things started turning bad when we moved in together. Suddenly I couldn't go anywhere, do anything, talk to anyone, or participate in any of the activities I previously had. If I did, I was sure to get a verbal beating when I got home. I was to disconnect myself from my previous life. I remember thinking, is that how it works? When you fall in love and get married, do you disconnect from your previous life?
I was verbally beaten on a daily basis as I struggled to accept this new reality I had willingly entered. I loved him. We had a child. I feared him. I feared for my child.
When he left me he told me everything I had done wrong to cause the end of our relationship. He told me he would be sure to tell our son how mom was the one that ruined our family. Mom was the one that didn't know how to be a girlfriend, a wife, a lover. Mom was to blame for it all. What had I done? I had caused all of this? It wasn't as hard to believe as one might think. My brain wasn't mine anymore. It belonged to him. He had total and complete control over every aspect of my mind. I was to blame.
I frantically sought to get him back, to tell him I could be good, to let him know I had learned my lesson. I still loved him and I needed to make him love me again. I needed him back to save the family I had always wanted.
He came back. Fate or some other higher power struck and I got pregnant again. This was it. We had to be happy. I had to pull it together to create a good life for the children. It wasn't long and I realized that I couldn't do it. He didn't love me and I couldn't make him. He was getting drunk and high on a daily basis and the verbal beatings were getting worse and worse. One night on a drunken stupor he came home and tried handling our son. I was 6 months pregnant at the time and he had no issues with shoving me down to the couch with a force that tore the cushions.
There I was, confronting the man that I loved, and it hit me. I was scared to death. He was flinching at me, yelling, and out of control. I was protecting my son from his own father. I was pregnant with his next child, a little girl, and he had no issues not only potentially causing bodily harm to me, but also to her. What was I doing? Where had all of this gone wrong? Who was this person and who was I?
The only thing I KNEW about myself was that I was a MOTHER to two children. I may not have been certain about much else in my life at that time, but I knew I was a mother. And as a mother, my heart and soul served to love and protect my children.
It was on that day, at that moment, that I stopped loving him.
I think things started turning bad when we moved in together. Suddenly I couldn't go anywhere, do anything, talk to anyone, or participate in any of the activities I previously had. If I did, I was sure to get a verbal beating when I got home. I was to disconnect myself from my previous life. I remember thinking, is that how it works? When you fall in love and get married, do you disconnect from your previous life?
I was verbally beaten on a daily basis as I struggled to accept this new reality I had willingly entered. I loved him. We had a child. I feared him. I feared for my child.
When he left me he told me everything I had done wrong to cause the end of our relationship. He told me he would be sure to tell our son how mom was the one that ruined our family. Mom was the one that didn't know how to be a girlfriend, a wife, a lover. Mom was to blame for it all. What had I done? I had caused all of this? It wasn't as hard to believe as one might think. My brain wasn't mine anymore. It belonged to him. He had total and complete control over every aspect of my mind. I was to blame.
I frantically sought to get him back, to tell him I could be good, to let him know I had learned my lesson. I still loved him and I needed to make him love me again. I needed him back to save the family I had always wanted.
He came back. Fate or some other higher power struck and I got pregnant again. This was it. We had to be happy. I had to pull it together to create a good life for the children. It wasn't long and I realized that I couldn't do it. He didn't love me and I couldn't make him. He was getting drunk and high on a daily basis and the verbal beatings were getting worse and worse. One night on a drunken stupor he came home and tried handling our son. I was 6 months pregnant at the time and he had no issues with shoving me down to the couch with a force that tore the cushions.
There I was, confronting the man that I loved, and it hit me. I was scared to death. He was flinching at me, yelling, and out of control. I was protecting my son from his own father. I was pregnant with his next child, a little girl, and he had no issues not only potentially causing bodily harm to me, but also to her. What was I doing? Where had all of this gone wrong? Who was this person and who was I?
The only thing I KNEW about myself was that I was a MOTHER to two children. I may not have been certain about much else in my life at that time, but I knew I was a mother. And as a mother, my heart and soul served to love and protect my children.
It was on that day, at that moment, that I stopped loving him.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
First Child
Oh the joys of expecting your first child. All of the things that parents to to prepare. It is such a loving time. Or is it.
Any cravings I had were kept to myself. If I craved something, it was up to me to get it. I was fooling myself if I thought he would get something special for me.
At 9 months pregnant I was still expected to bring all of the grocery bags up three flights of stairs and put them away when I got there.
The baby arrives!
He said the baby would have my last name and we would switch it when we got married. Wrong. Yelling and berating in the hospital room before discharge letting me know that I am crazy if I think I am walking out of the room without his name on the birth certificate. He was confident that he never told me it would have my name. I was making it all up.
Going home...getting yelled at because I want to stop at the store to get a pacifier for the baby that seems to like to have something to suck on. I am messing up the plans. I need to go in, get the pacifier, and get out as quickly as possible.
Arriving at home... Help is nonexistent. Especially at night. I delivered my first child, who was over 9 pounds, and I was in extreme pain. Yet, no assistance could be provided because I need to suck it up.
I decide to go to my parents for a few days where I can get some help. Man was that a bad choice. Even the mother-in-law was calling me and telling me that I am a grown girl now and if he was helping or not, I am a wife and need to start acting like one. Why does he not have to act like a husband?
As the weeks go by, I learn to keep the baby as quiet as I can. No crying. Crying creates madness. Crying changes him in to the monster and he yells so loudly it makes the baby cry more, which angers him more and it turns in to a vicious circle. The veins on his neck stick out. His face is so red. He has spastic movements and I put myself between the baby and him to prevent any harsh action he may take. Get mad at me, but don't touch the baby. When he calms down I take the baby and hide in another room. I do whatever I can to keep the baby quiet. I am now obsessed with staying with the baby to keep him safe and to prevent him from making noise. I don't ask for help, because I am scared of getting yelled at, or getting told I don't know what I am doing, and because I want to keep the baby out of danger's way.
Yeah, those joys of the first child were taken from me. I never got to experience them because I was too worried about keeping us safe.
I wish it would have been different, but I would do it all over again for that child.
Any cravings I had were kept to myself. If I craved something, it was up to me to get it. I was fooling myself if I thought he would get something special for me.
At 9 months pregnant I was still expected to bring all of the grocery bags up three flights of stairs and put them away when I got there.
The baby arrives!
He said the baby would have my last name and we would switch it when we got married. Wrong. Yelling and berating in the hospital room before discharge letting me know that I am crazy if I think I am walking out of the room without his name on the birth certificate. He was confident that he never told me it would have my name. I was making it all up.
Going home...getting yelled at because I want to stop at the store to get a pacifier for the baby that seems to like to have something to suck on. I am messing up the plans. I need to go in, get the pacifier, and get out as quickly as possible.
Arriving at home... Help is nonexistent. Especially at night. I delivered my first child, who was over 9 pounds, and I was in extreme pain. Yet, no assistance could be provided because I need to suck it up.
I decide to go to my parents for a few days where I can get some help. Man was that a bad choice. Even the mother-in-law was calling me and telling me that I am a grown girl now and if he was helping or not, I am a wife and need to start acting like one. Why does he not have to act like a husband?
As the weeks go by, I learn to keep the baby as quiet as I can. No crying. Crying creates madness. Crying changes him in to the monster and he yells so loudly it makes the baby cry more, which angers him more and it turns in to a vicious circle. The veins on his neck stick out. His face is so red. He has spastic movements and I put myself between the baby and him to prevent any harsh action he may take. Get mad at me, but don't touch the baby. When he calms down I take the baby and hide in another room. I do whatever I can to keep the baby quiet. I am now obsessed with staying with the baby to keep him safe and to prevent him from making noise. I don't ask for help, because I am scared of getting yelled at, or getting told I don't know what I am doing, and because I want to keep the baby out of danger's way.
Yeah, those joys of the first child were taken from me. I never got to experience them because I was too worried about keeping us safe.
I wish it would have been different, but I would do it all over again for that child.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Emotional Abuse
Imagine coming home and never being able to please your significant other.
- Perhaps you wore the wrong outfit and it makes you look unattractive.
- Perhaps you didn't curl your hair the right way and it is frizzy.
- Perhaps you were 5 minutes late and you didn't call to let that be known.
- Perhaps you did call during lunch, and are now reminded not to call during the day.
- Perhaps you didn't pack your sig other's lunch the right way, or you forgot to put in a dollar for the soda.
- Perhaps you didn't bring dinner home with you.
- Perhaps you put your car keys on the glass end table and not on the hook.
- Perhaps you forgot to take your shoes off outside of the door.
Just walking through the door now carries the emotional load of a ten ton elephant. Do you even want to go there? Say you do go and you survive all of those initial blows... you still have the rest of the night.
- Perhaps you cooked the noodles too long and now they are too soft so dinner is ruined.
- Perhaps you didn't put enough sugar in the kool aid because you just don't know how to do things right
- Perhaps you mention that there is a big project at work and they want you to lead it and you get yelled at for being away from the home and eventually a ceramic plate is laying in pieces on the floor.
- Perhaps there are dishes at the sink from the last week because no one else will attend to them.
- Perhaps you turn a show on the TV and are told that it is stupid and the channel gets changed without your consent.
- Perhaps you go to the bedroom to go to bed early and you get the light turned on and a laundry basket of clothes thrown on you for trying to ignore the situation.
If you can manage to go to sleep, you have survived another day. You go to sleep hoping that tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow you will do your hair right, you will call if you are going to be late, you will cook dinner perfectly. You will do everything right. Because if you do everything right, everything will be okay.
Tomorrow comes, you do everything right that you did wrong yesterday. However,
- Today, you packed peanut butter instead of tuna salad
- Today, you didn't have money to go grocery shopping and the house is empty of milk
- Today, you should have called at lunch to find out he wouldn't be home for dinner
- Today, you didn't have the laundry done.
- Today, you curled your hair and it would've looked better straight.
- Today, you wore those sassy clothes, but are told they really don't look good on you anymore.
- Today, you stayed up to interact, but are given the silent treatment for all that you did wrong.
You go to sleep and wonder where you went wrong. How can you make it different. Why can't you keep up your end of the relationship? What are you not getting?
I know what you are thinking.... LEAVE. But it is not that simple. For the past two days you have been told that it is YOU that is WRONG. You are not performing correctly, you are deficient, you are different and no one else in the world acts like you do. You don't know what you are doing. Your mind is all twisted in to thinking that you are to blame for everything. And you have been told that if you leave, everyone will be told how you were the one to blame.
No one will believe you, you can't do anything right!
- Perhaps you wore the wrong outfit and it makes you look unattractive.
- Perhaps you didn't curl your hair the right way and it is frizzy.
- Perhaps you were 5 minutes late and you didn't call to let that be known.
- Perhaps you did call during lunch, and are now reminded not to call during the day.
- Perhaps you didn't pack your sig other's lunch the right way, or you forgot to put in a dollar for the soda.
- Perhaps you didn't bring dinner home with you.
- Perhaps you put your car keys on the glass end table and not on the hook.
- Perhaps you forgot to take your shoes off outside of the door.
Just walking through the door now carries the emotional load of a ten ton elephant. Do you even want to go there? Say you do go and you survive all of those initial blows... you still have the rest of the night.
- Perhaps you cooked the noodles too long and now they are too soft so dinner is ruined.
- Perhaps you didn't put enough sugar in the kool aid because you just don't know how to do things right
- Perhaps you mention that there is a big project at work and they want you to lead it and you get yelled at for being away from the home and eventually a ceramic plate is laying in pieces on the floor.
- Perhaps there are dishes at the sink from the last week because no one else will attend to them.
- Perhaps you turn a show on the TV and are told that it is stupid and the channel gets changed without your consent.
- Perhaps you go to the bedroom to go to bed early and you get the light turned on and a laundry basket of clothes thrown on you for trying to ignore the situation.
If you can manage to go to sleep, you have survived another day. You go to sleep hoping that tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow you will do your hair right, you will call if you are going to be late, you will cook dinner perfectly. You will do everything right. Because if you do everything right, everything will be okay.
Tomorrow comes, you do everything right that you did wrong yesterday. However,
- Today, you packed peanut butter instead of tuna salad
- Today, you didn't have money to go grocery shopping and the house is empty of milk
- Today, you should have called at lunch to find out he wouldn't be home for dinner
- Today, you didn't have the laundry done.
- Today, you curled your hair and it would've looked better straight.
- Today, you wore those sassy clothes, but are told they really don't look good on you anymore.
- Today, you stayed up to interact, but are given the silent treatment for all that you did wrong.
You go to sleep and wonder where you went wrong. How can you make it different. Why can't you keep up your end of the relationship? What are you not getting?
I know what you are thinking.... LEAVE. But it is not that simple. For the past two days you have been told that it is YOU that is WRONG. You are not performing correctly, you are deficient, you are different and no one else in the world acts like you do. You don't know what you are doing. Your mind is all twisted in to thinking that you are to blame for everything. And you have been told that if you leave, everyone will be told how you were the one to blame.
No one will believe you, you can't do anything right!
Am I Making a Mistake
Do you ever wonder why you do the things that you do? Especially when it comes to your children. I am questioning myself right now.
My children and I were exposed to domestic violence at the hands/words of their father. After a year of being separated we are still not through the court system, yet an end is close in sight. A court trial was likely but I backed out of it because of the money. Money. Does the money mean more than the safety of my kids? Or am I cutting my losses and making a deal on a proposal that still protects the kids for the most part. Is for the most part, enough?
Their father is a verbal and emotional abuser. He has been called a narcissist. He is shallow and thinks of no one but himself. He has been on supervised visits for the last year and the supervision is about to end. I am agreeing to that. I am agreeing to letting my children be alone with someone that is unpredictable and destructive. He will only be seeing them twice a week. Week one will be for six hours and week two will be for 13 hours.
What is further is that with the supervision dropping, I am going to have to transition the children directly with him. No more shelter from transitioning through a supervisor. Now we will be in public and I will once again be at his mercy.
I have grown in the last year. I am more confident and sure of myself. I KNOW that I did the right thing. I suppose I will always have the doubt in my mind that there was something more I should have done.
My children and I were exposed to domestic violence at the hands/words of their father. After a year of being separated we are still not through the court system, yet an end is close in sight. A court trial was likely but I backed out of it because of the money. Money. Does the money mean more than the safety of my kids? Or am I cutting my losses and making a deal on a proposal that still protects the kids for the most part. Is for the most part, enough?
Their father is a verbal and emotional abuser. He has been called a narcissist. He is shallow and thinks of no one but himself. He has been on supervised visits for the last year and the supervision is about to end. I am agreeing to that. I am agreeing to letting my children be alone with someone that is unpredictable and destructive. He will only be seeing them twice a week. Week one will be for six hours and week two will be for 13 hours.
What is further is that with the supervision dropping, I am going to have to transition the children directly with him. No more shelter from transitioning through a supervisor. Now we will be in public and I will once again be at his mercy.
I have grown in the last year. I am more confident and sure of myself. I KNOW that I did the right thing. I suppose I will always have the doubt in my mind that there was something more I should have done.
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